BETWEEN SUN AND SHADOW: A Daughter of Bipolar Disorder (maybe)

Unpacking My Fear Of Psychological Labels

Photo by Anthony Tran on Unsplash

What’s In This Newsletter:

• An essay on my struggle with naming my mother’s possible diagnosis and my fear of psychological labels

• Links to clips from an episode of Modern Love focused on bipolar disorder, starring Anne Hathaway

• Resources for learning more + getting support

“As traumatized children, we always dreamed that someone would come save us. We never dreamed that it would, in fact, be ourselves as adults.” — Alice Little

Therapy. Recovery. Mental Health resources and support. What a godsend, right? When I consider all the resources and help at our fingertips that we have access to that our parents and grandparents did not, it both encourages me and simultaneously breaks my heart. If only…

I’ve always known that something was not right with my mama, that she struggled mightily with her mental health, but I have always been reticent to label her and uncomfortable when others have. I am still not wholly comfortable.

I don’t love psychological labels. They make me feel jittery. The first time I even wrote the word bipolar and shared it publicly was in my essay, Why I Still Haven’t Bought A Desk. Many of you reached out privately after that one.

But I acknowledge that it can be helpful to have a name for something. Even if it’s uncertain, or not wholly accurate, it’s a place to start. Knowing it might not be exact, it can at least get you in the ballpark. It’s like drawing an invisible circle around something, an attempt to define it, contain it, examine it.

So, I heard myself telling Sunny, my wise and loving therapist, that I didn't know why I was avoidant in regards to learning more about bipolar disorder diagnosis. Sunny has said that while we will never really know, my descriptions of my childhood certainly sound like Mama likely was bipolar. She wondered if I had read much about it.

I laughed uncomfortably.

I told her I didn’t want to read books on BPD or Narcissistic Mothers. I’ve even heard how great the current slate of books is that focus on the Mother Wound. Why is it that I do not want to recognize my mother in those texts? And why would I want to read about it when I’ve already been through it in real life?

I am fascinated as I listen to my own avoidance, especially since I have been writing diligently about my life with my mother for the past few years. I mean, I have walked through every single wrenching memory. I have faced it, written the stories, cried my tears. So many tears. And that writing-to-heal work has been liberating. So why would I need to read more about a diagnosis?

I could feel my resistance.

Why was I so hesitant now about reading about it from a diagnostic or psychological perspective?’

When my bestie, an avid reader, told me “Mary, you’ve got to get a copy of The Glass Castle by Jeanette Walls. I think you’ll really relate.” I read a few pages and had to put it down. To close to the fire. When Education by Tara Westover made such a major splash, again, my friend asked me if I had read it and again I passed. Avoidant.

When in this conversation I asked Sunny why she thought I was so rigid here, she reminded me that some part of me likely knew that by reading more about it, I would revisit my ache for the magic mama who walked into any space and brought it alive by sheer glitter and stardust and I might feel a wave of new grief of the wounds of my childhood by reading through the psychological lens. But she reminded me of the benefits, too.

She told me that it could be really useful to learn more about the cycles, the patterns, and what it’s like to be the person in a primary relationship with someone who suffers from BPD. And that it can be strengthening and affirming to realize that so many other people have experienced this. That I am not alone. She said that it can also give you a lot of sympathy for how hard it was for her, and for myself as a child when I had to always pivot to manage or respond to how she showed up. Reading more about the patterns and reading about other people's experiences who grew up like me could bring some insight and a new layer of healing.

What I find so ironic is that this is exactly what I preach, my soapbox, my mantra - when we share our hard stories we help each other heal. But I have kept this one pocket zipped up. The LABEL. I mean I’ve been writing these stories and facing my experiences, but again, that was another layer that frightened me when I considered looking at research or diagnosis. And then it clicked.

My whole childhood I knew something was wrong with Mama. I was afraid people would come and take her away from me. They would label her and lock her up. So of course I don’t want to label her either. And I sure as hell don’t want any labels on me, because most of my young life, I was afraid I’d turn out like Mama, that I would get a label, and that I’d be put away. This is the stigma of mental health issues that we as a culture are slowly beginning to chip away.

Many people are now living good lives with this diagnosis, so please don’t hear judgment in this. I’m merely sharing how it felt as a girl and how I got stuck there worrying that something was very broken in me. Don’t get me wrong, as one of my former students Jasmine used to say, “ We all got issues.” But I had a ghost chasing me and I was afraid to look at it. When would I become like Mama? It was a new layer to uncover, even after writing all my hard stories. Even after decades of evidence that I had not and would not become her.

So I’m taking baby steps.

I watched The Glass Castle.

I listened to Education while walking in the sunshine.

I am building more capacity to take in these stories.

I actually just watched the episode of the 2019 series Modern Love called Take Me As I Am, Whoever I Am on Prime. It beautifully illustrates the painful cycles of manic/magical activity and then the depression that follows when it all bottoms out. I loved the compassion and hope it communicated, and Anne Hathaway was stellar, as usual.

Even after all the work I’ve done and continue to do in therapy, in ACA recovery, and on my spiritual path, there is more healing to be done. I am still amazed to discover new blind spots. But each time I do, I can see my life and history with a bit more clarity. My steps are just a bit lighter. I shrug off a little more fear. I lift my chin and smile at the sky.

I am the one who has saved the child within me. And none of us ever have to go it alone again.

xo Mary

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3 THINGS WORTH SHARING:

1. This episode of Modern Love on Prime. “Take Me As I Am, Whoever I Am”

2. Bipolar Disorder - I’ll admit this was helpful.

3. Want group support for living with or growing up with a Bipolar parent? Check DBSA ( Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance) and Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families. (While ACA is not solely focused on bipolar disorder, I have found significant support and companionship there to help with the effects of growing up with a parent who struggled with her mental health and the survival traits I used to adapt.) If you are curious, please reach out to me by responding to this email. I’m always happy to share more information.

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Mindy McGinnis

It may not be easy but I find phenomenal support and healing in my own ACA support group. Please reach out via email if you’d like more information or go directly to the link below.

This month, a portion of our paid subscriptions will be donated to: Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families.

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LOOKING AHEAD :

May is Mental Health Awareness Month

Posts to look forward to:

• This Is The House That Mom Built - May 21

• Paid Membership Post and Audio Recording - May 28

In our paid subscriber membership:

• Updates and a story from the memoir-in-progress 📗

• A creative-contemplative practice to engage 🌀

• My monthly recommendations: what I am watching, reading and listening to this month 📚🎶🎬

• An audio recording of the post so you can listen on the go 🎧

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