CREATIVE RESISTANCE IS A LONG PARADE OF UNRULY CHARACTERS

The voices of creative resistance and how they stall us, how to get started on the thing you want to create, recommended resources, and more...

from my journal 2-10-22

Hi, friends:

Last week, I wrote about showing up in process and the inescapable call of our vocation or spiritual post. I promised you I would share how the RESISTANCE is arising within me as I consider this latest assignment or opportunity. It has become increasingly clear that I am to tell my story. The next iteration might be a spiritual memoir or a collection of essays or possibly another film script, I simply don’t know yet. It’s on the way. But first, the resistance.

RESISTANCE IS A LONG PARADE OF UNRULY INTERNAL CHARACTERS DOING EVERYTHING THEY CAN TO DISTRACT US FROM TAKING INSPIRED ACTION

This is not my first time to be swept up in the cycle of resistance. I’ve created theatre companies, directed theatre and film, and birthed other creative endeavors. Yet every time I begin a new project or process, I hear the marching band tune up and I know the parade is on the way!

So, here goes. I’m about to share some vulnerable writing with you. My hope is that by sharing my personal experience you will recognize the universality of how creative resistance feels and sounds to all of us, even if my details are different than yours.

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From my Morning Practice morning pages last week:

“I know that all I am experiencing and all that is coming through me says IT’S TIME TO TELL YOUR STORY. Even though parts of me scream, “NO! You don’t know enough yet, haven’t read enough, aren’t ‘wise’ enough, haven’t healed enough to be of service to anyone! You don’t have the writing credentials. Maybe later! Later after you’ve finished the Living School, or maybe you should go to graduate school for writing or spiritual direction first… or or or…maybe after you’ve written a few years, after you understand the trajectory of your life more clearly, after you piece it all together, after after after after…

…and the clock ticks.

…and truly if not now, when?

… and do I believe in generational healing and spiritual evolution and the healing power of storytelling? Then WHAT am I waiting for?”

The answer? (I listened. )

I think it’s why most of us wait.

We want to wait until there is no fear, no risk whatsoever. We are waiting for certainty.

"Creativity requires the courage to let go of certainties.” - Eric Fromm. I would add, so does our healing. So does our spiritual evolution. It kind of comes with the whole experience of being human, doesn’t it?

Internal Family Systems therapy has taught me that there are frightened parts within all of us. These “parts” will use all kinds of tactics to keep us from doing things that might cause discomfort. Some of them can be called “Protectors” and they are trying to keep us from being hurt again in ways we were once hurt in the past. It’s helpful to me to consider the motives behind those critical voices. When I got still and listened in, here’s what I heard from mine:

• They are waiting to feel confident that I won’t fail.

• They are waiting to not feel scared of unexpected circumstances if I share more of my story

• They want to feel convinced that I have something of value to share

• They are afraid of creating more discord with family members

• They are afraid it will be painfully obvious what I don’t know and haven’t learned yet and that I am not a “real writer” ( i.e. credentials)

• They are afraid of the pain I will experience if I write about these experiences

Lawwwd… that is exhausting. Can you relate?

If that doesn’t stop me, they only intensify their warnings. It can turn downright mean as their fear increases:

“You’ll be embarrassed and ashamed that what you produce will not even meet your own high expectations, much less others. You’ll be mocked. Laughed at. Ridiculed. (Oof.) Or you’ll be coddled by well-meaning friends who will say it’s good when it is not.” Or possibly the worst, that “ no one will even care.” (Ouch.)

These are some of the ways the voices of resistance try to stop me in my tracks. I have come to understand that they are, in their own way, trying to protect me from the risk of feeling anything other than complete acceptance of, in this case, the stories I plan to write. They want reassurance that these stories that feel tender, that make up my experience, that to some degree made me who I am today, won’t be rejected. That would feel like rejecting ME at my core. It makes them feel extremely vulnerable. No wonder they want me to stop.

But today something shifted, as it always does when I allow the voices to arise, give them space to tantrum or try to protect me, and listen. I listen like a loving parent. I acknowledge them, feel them, and ultimately remind them that I am a grown-up now and that I can handle whatever comes. I’ve got this. It’s not how it once was.

And then I make the decision to do it. To take the next small step. I lean in and let my True Self do the leading and not my frightened parts. I tend to my body, my nervous system, and I tune into the quiet knowing place within. I am reminded that ONLY LOVE has the authority to name who I am, and to steer me in the direction I am to go, and toward what I will create. The frightened parts of me get to come along, and I try to tend to them now with compassion instead of battling them, but they don’t get to lead the way.

It’s only human to feel insecure at the beginning of a new endeavor. I frequently feel like I don’t know what the hell I am doing when I take on something new. Of course I don’t know, Ive never done it before. Or quite like this. But that’s also where the growth is! And at some point, we’ve got to simply decide to do it, come what may. We learn to practice trusting the voice of the Trustworthy One within, the Self, the voice of Love. We take the next step.

ACTUALLY DOING THE THING

And then there is this, which is obvious to anyone who has ever created anything…whether a poem, a drawing, a song, a story, a dance, a character, a class, a book, a film, a business or a baby - IT IS IN THE ACTUAL DOING OF THE THING THAT YOU LEARN HOW TO DO IT. It’s not in the obsessive “thinking about doing it”. It’s in the actual doing of the thing that you discover the way. It is in the doing that the puzzle pieces begin to click into place to reveal a clearer picture of what it is becoming. We cannot know in advance. But oh how we want to know how it will all work out before we begin. (Why do I have amnesia about this crucial part of the process each time?)

So for example, the best way for me to write and understand my story is to BEGIN TO EXPRESS IT, not wait to figure out how it might all come together before I write. It’s in the doing, the feeling, the remembering, the putting it down in words (or collage, or poem, or however it wants to come through) that the understanding comes, that the deeper connections are made.

It’s important here to get out of YOUR HEAD and into YOUR BODY. Move away from constantly trying to “figure things out” and sit with your body and listen to what it has to say. All our memories are nested in our bodies. All our stories reside there. Sit still long enough and they will arise.

We can let our internal voices keep us endlessly circling around the thing, or we can learn as we go. We can decide to show up for ourselves. That’s really all we can ask of ourselves. And that’s no small thing.

We waste so much time waiting on certainty instead of beginning. It is the actual process of doing the thing that teaches us the way.

Just begin. Trust me on this one. Need support to get started on your creative project or support in developing your creative-spiritual practices? I am happy to help you begin. Just reach out.

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5 THINGS WORTH SHARING

1. Great books for working through creative blocks or resistance: Check these recommendations on my Bookshop page. A percentage of the proceeds go to a local bookstore and causes I support.

2. A poem by Cleo Wade

3. Tower of Mothers

   

   Tower of Mothers, a 1937 sculpture by German artist Käthe Kollwitz, depicts women standing in a circle to protect their children from the horrors of war. It’s one of the most powerful anti-war images I’ve ever encountered, a metaphor of fierce determination and solidarity, and a portrait of Ukraine.
   
   The artist lost her son, Peter to World War I and went on to create works that inspire resistance. “I am in the world to change the world,” wrote Kollwitz. - via Sue Monk Kidd DONATE TO UKRAINE.

4. For those times when you just need some good vibes and to remember life is good underneath it all, and that you are, too. Y’all know mama likes to dance, right? Proof last week on my insta.

5. This cartoon made me smile. And of course, it’s lodged in the heart.

Sending my love your way.

Xoxo Mary