DANDELION
How writing and sharing a chapter of my story through short film helped me heal. Recognizing when a story is asking you to collaborate. Navigating the opinions of family members + more...
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Every Tuesday, I send out a bit of writing, a short list of things that captured my attention, and now and again I’ll share something my husband said that made me laugh. Mostly, I love to explore the healing intersection of creativity, spirituality and the power of sharing our story.
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In 2015, I took a major creative leap and wrote, produced, and directed the short film, DANDELION, based upon a deeply vulnerable weekend in my life.
It goes without saying ( but watch me say it anyway) that it was one of the most powerful creative risks I have ever taken and with equally powerful benefits.
I recently had a beautiful conversation with one of the co-producers and stars of the film, actress and entrepreneur, Wanetah Walmsley.
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In this week’s newsletter, I am including a transcript of a portion of the longer interview. We discuss how the idea for the film came to be, the making of the film, the potential of family upset when you tell your story, and much more.
The interview has been edited for clarity and length.
From the interview with Wanetah Walmsley of Soul Hugger.
Wanetah: … For people watching who don't know, I played “Mary” in Mary's story. So that's why it's about to get really meta for both of us. Take us on that journey. Why did you decide, “You know what, I think that this is how I'm going to share my story …or this is the story to share.“
Mary: Well, it began with a film-making opportunity called the Louisiana Film Prize in Shreveport, Louisiana. As an actor, I was cast in a lot of different people's films. Some of the roles were great and some of them were pretty unsatisfying.
I remember that it was a combination of frustration with the lack of complex female roles as an actor, and wanting to create a film role that was as powerful and complex as the kinds of roles I had performed in the theatre. And I remember thinking, if these people who've never made a short film before are making films, well, I could too. And maybe it's time for me to tell one of my own stories and make my own film. That’s really what got the ball rolling.
Originally, I was going to write a short film as a vehicle for myself as an actor. What happened instead was this moment of realizing, “Oh my goodness… this story is just pounding at the door of my heart to be told. “ I decided the story was more important than creating an acting vehicle for myself.
It was a story from a very pivotal weekend where I journeyed with my sister to find our mom who, in essence, had run away. And so it started with my wanting to build a vehicle for myself as an actor, but it ended up being a story that my Spirit knew was time to tell.
I believe your spirit knows when a story is ready to collaborate with you.
It was time to open up, to experience and re-member this story in a way again, and to heal and share this story so that other people who might could identify, could see themselves and see their own story represented in some way.
Wanetah: And so we're off to the races. We're making the film. How did it feel to share something like that?
Mary: Well, I think that one reason making that film was personally healing for me was working with you. Truly. Working with you, and the collaboration that we had. You brought such a pure and committed intention to bring the truth of my experience forward and to really honor it.
And it was incredibly healing to view my own story from multiple angles. When you're shooting a film, you have to shoot it from all these different directions. So, you're shooting a scene of someone coming out of an apartment, for example, and you shoot it, you know, from behind them and in front of them and from the sides and all the different points of view.
There's something really powerful about seeing your story playing out in front of you in real time, over and over and over again from all these different angles. In a way, it sort of drains the emotion over time. As if every part of emotion that was hiding in any little pocket of memory gets uncovered. It gets revealed and you feel it and you can release it. That was really healing for me.
WATCH DANDELION
I still remember the very first screening of the film at the Louisiana Film Prize, we're sitting in the audience… I can feel it again now. You know, the music starts and the opening scene begins and my heart is, I mean, just literally pounding out of my chest. My hands are sweating, because that's an intense amount of witness to your story. Right? Your witnesses is really expanded when it's in a theater full of 200 people or more. There’s your life. On a huge screen. Yeah. I was fortunate to be surrounded, literally, by people who loved me. And you know, it was also very affirming and very empowering to be witnessed in that way. I mean, I think everybody needs to make a short film for one of their stories. To experience that process. That entire process was incredibly healing.
Wanetah: That's amazing. I've never even thought about that. The whole perspective… you saw me being you, but then you also see your sister in so many different angles and you see your mother in so many different angles. I remember during the festival when we watched the screening I didn't watch it sitting next to you. I just remember thinking, she needs distance right now. I just remember thinking, I have no idea what that is like… for anyone, you know… but just that it had to be really powerful. And for me, I just know that would be so overwhelming. But I never even imagined that you would watch, you know, three different days or three different angles of this one moment in your life. I just remember that … didn't your mother pass during the shoot? Was it on our shoot day or right before?
Mary: It was right before. I remember the crew were on the way up from New Orleans when I found out… yeah… just the emotional layers upon layers of that situation was pretty intense. That was difficult for sure.
Wanetah: Have you tried to find meaning in that situation?
Mary: You know, I have. I certainly have. You know me, I dig for meaning anywhere I can find it. One of the main thoughts that came through … and I probably said this to my husband at the time… is that some part of me felt free… or freer… to tell the story knowing that she had passed.
I felt like she could know my heart and that my intention was to heal and she could know it in a way that she might not have been able to understand if she'd still been here on the planet. So there was a little more freedom in there to really tell the truth of the story with less guilt for breaking the rules by telling the story. There's always some part of the the child in us who wants to protect the parent, no matter what. I had more freedom to say what it truly felt like for me.
Wanetah: That's why I look at the situation, and what you've done, and I think …that's some real courage. Because, you know, it's not just you and your voices inside of your head saying ,“Oh my god, you're going to be embarrassed, or you're not going to do this right, or you can't do this,” right? It’s not just those inner voices of self doubt. There's this whole other layer of guilt when it comes to telling your story because your story is not just about you. You know? Especially when it's it's a childhood story and you're talking about your family. How does that affect your sister? How does it affect your mother or your father or your siblings? And then your children and, you know, that's a really brave thing. I know that a lot of people want so badly to tell their story, but they're thinking about these things. Specifically, they're thinking about how it's going to affect other people in their life.
So take us through that and give us some words of wisdom as to how you decided to go ahead and go for it and do it, and then once you did it, how did you navigate the rest?
Mary: Wow. Well, when I was wrestling with this idea that I was actually going to make this film, I was, at one point, really starting to backpedal because I thought, you know, it just… you're supposed to protect the family, you know, at all costs! You don't share family secrets ! And someone shared an Anne Lamott quote with me, that was something along the lines of, “Well, if they didn't want to read this (or in my case, see me create this film) then they should have behaved better… which you know, brought some levity and a sense of permission.
“You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better.” - Anne Lamott
And I think I was clear that this was my perspective. I of course tried very hard in my film to sort of give a peek into what the other characters in the film were feeling. But it's very clear that the story was told from one perspective - mine. I know that everyone experiences things in their own way, and no two people have the same perspective on a story. Each character has an inroad to the story. So I'm not… I think I would tell people, as long as you can make it clear that this is your best attempt at what you remember, and what you experienced, and that you're not holding it as the “Capital T” truth, you have more freedom not to edit your story for other people’s comfort. And so that gives you the freedom to say, “Look, all I can talk about is my experience. Maybe your experience of that situation was completely different…and you get to make your film or you get to tell your story and your version. I am telling the truth of my story to the best of my recollection and experience.”
And you know, memories are tricky things. Tricky, tricky things. Your memories change over time.
I think as long as we're not saying that this is the final word on this situation, but this is what I went through or this is what I want to say about it, then nobody, NOBODY can say anything about that.
And in regards to my family situation…well, you know, my mother had passed during the making of the film and we’d been estranged for 20 + years. One of my sisters saw the film and one sister didn't. And that's kind of what I can say about that.
Wanetah: That makes a lot of sense. That is really, really good advice. I'm sitting here going okay, well, maybe I could do it. So tell me this. What made you think that writing a film and telling your story would be healing or did you think it would be healing?
Mary: I think some deeper part of myself knew it would be healing. But I don't know if I was thinking that in advance, just that I wanted to step out and tell my own story. And that has been pivotal for me in regards to stepping out and trying other things, one courage builds upon the next. You get more and more courageous as you go.
I moved from telling other people's stories to telling one of my own. There is such freedom that comes from that choice, and then you want everyone to know that freedom. You know what’s possible for them. This is why I love the work of supporting others to heal and share their stories. And we need them all.
WATCH THE 15-MIN FILM HERE:
Watch the full interview here:
See you next week, friends. And remember, don’t just make a wish, make a decision.
xoxo Mary
“There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.” - Maya Angelou
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