SITTING WITH THE DISCOMFORT OF NOT KNOWING WHAT'S NEXT

and not rushing ahead to fill up the empty space

Like a living stone in the river of life

Dear Friend,

As of this writing, it’s been less than a week since I returned from my “graduation” from The Living School following our final week in Albuquerque, home to The Center for Action and Contemplation ( CAC).

… whose purpose is to nurture the conditions for inner and outer transformation through equipping students with tools, teachings, and experiences to work together for a more just and connected world.” - CAC website

Our dear Richard Rohr, along with the teachers and staff of the CAC, do not call it graduation, of course. There were no gowns or mortarboards with tassels, and there are no new letters behind my name, no official stamp of approval certifying anything other than a piece of paper acknowledging the two years I spent in the community of The Living School. At one point, Richard wondered if the CAC should attach a match to each certificate since the paper really didn’t mean anything. Of course, it means a lot to each of us as a marker or signpost of our time spent together and the journey we shared, but his point is clear.

In lieu of a conventional graduation ceremony, we experienced a "Sending Ceremony," symbolizing our transition from the nurturing shelter and guidance of The Living School and marking our re-emergence into the world, where we are poised to share our unique expression of engaged contemplation with those around us. It signifies the continuation of our journey, one characterized by an ongoing commitment to learning from the ever-unfolding curriculum of our own lives. Undoubtedly, The Living School truly lives up to its name.

It’s impossible to convey in words what the past two years have contributed to my woven understanding of myself, G-d, the world, and the Cosmos. At the same time, in some ways, I know less than I ever did, but I am more at peace in that unknowing. It has been a pilgrimage in the truest sense. Portals, thresholds, comforts, devastations, integrations. Old patterns falling away. New insights emerging. Loss and gain. Starting over. Always starting over. Returning to Love again and again.

Joy with Jim Finley. Love with Richard Rohr. My Circle Group who walked the path with me. And finally. a moment from our Sending.

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Speaking of old patterns, I noticed that as soon as I came home, I wanted to know what was next. ( Have I learned nothing? Ha!) Almost without noticing, I found myself investigating new programs and adventures. Mmmm.. should I go to grad school now? Should I get that Labyrinth Facilitator certification? Should I create yet another new program integrating creativity and contemplation? What about… (fill in the blank) …and on and on it went.

Have you been there? Rushing to investigate the next thing when the dust of the former experience has barely had time to settle, much less integrate? I had to stop myself and pay attention to the feelings of understandable discomfort at crossing over the finish line of a profound experience without knowing what was yet to come. It is an old, patterned reaction to the discomfort of not-knowing, delivered in a familiar form - hey, just get busy doing something new and exciting! I unconsciously wanted something tangible to fill that sense of void, of emptiness and discomfort at the conclusion of The Living School.

But here’s the thing. I did notice. I stopped. I got still and quiet. I could see what was happening and how I was reacting to it. Instead of engaging in an old pattern of self-judgment and self-recrimination at falling back into this pattern of wanting to fill up the empty space, I paused. I got still. I gave it over to G-d. I journaled. I walked. I stopped rushing forward to fill the gap. I sat in it and with it. I let Love hold me. This is something I have not always had the capacity nor the willingness to do.

This process reminded me of something even deeper and older within me. The deep ache to be seen and loved just as I am. As I sat in meditation ( or whatever name by which you understand sitting in Love’s Presence) I had a shift in my perception. A new way of seeing. A miracle really. I felt in my heart the comfort of knowing that I was being witnessed and loved through and through as I sat there and gave this struggle over to the Source of Love. I let myself be seen and loved then and there.

What if our contemplative practice is as simple and profound as showing up to sit in Love’s Presence and yielding to that Love? What might shift in us?

It is a slow process. At least it has been for me. To learn to sit inside Love and bear it. There is a reason it is called practice.

Contemplation is giving me a new operating system, yes, but it doesn’t happen overnight. It’s a lifelong process. In the meantime, I still need some help with boundaries. Guardrails to keep from jumping off the track. Or training wheels to keep me from wobbling and falling over into old ways as I learn new ones.

My guardrails emerged as a commitment to not take any new action for a time.

Take notes instead of taking action.

So, instead of rushing ahead to the next thing, no matter how exciting, or how uncomfortable it feels to sit with the feelings of not knowing what’s next, I let myself instead take notes about possible areas that excite or enliven me but I don’t allow myself to take action on them just yet. I’m not signing up for any new courses or programs or pursuing any new certifications. (I just took a long, slow breath after reading that sentence back to myself.) The instinct in me is strong to use the energy gathered in The Living School to dive head first into the Next Thing, but instead, I will wait. I will trust this period of integration and the deep soul value it offers.

To not knowing and not running ahead.

With you and with love,

xo Mary

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3 THINGS WORTH SHARING:

1. For whoever needs to hear this by Elizabeth Beauvais. Elizabeth is a dear friend, a beautiful human, and a powerful writer. She shared this poem with us this week and I knew I had to share it with you.

For whoever needs to hear this:

Last night

at exactly midnight

The Elders met under the great Hemlock

in their dark cloaks

and issued a

proclamation that you’re Terrific.

At the same time

your love

(here or memory)

rolled over under the quilt

And put a finger against that familiar crease

between your eyes

and murmured “it’s okay”

before falling back asleep

A few minutes later,

your Board of Advisors

held a Teams call

across 8 time zones

and decided there is nothing more you need to do

to earn their confidence, support, and enthusiasm

Meanwhile your parents

—in whatever plane they inhabit-

pressed their palms together and

said in unison that you are a total

joy and blessing

(Even when a pain in the ass)

And all the children in your life

whispered “thank you”

in their sleep

At half past midnight

the UN Secretary General

licked the tip of her pen (unnecessarily)

and wrote that you’ve officially completed all that anyone has ever expected of you.

Then stamped it

And it was thereby determined

that if you slept in a little today

Or have spent a little too long this week

watching old Sinead O’Conner and Paul Reuben videos,

Nothing terribly bad would happen

So if you woke up this morning

and noticed

Maybe you weren’t wearing your shoulders as earrings —

This is why

(We voted to tell you)

2. This song : We Can Do Hard Things

3. MARK YOUR CALENDAR: Whether you are brand new to the idea of contemplation or want to deepen your journey in community, this summit is a great opportunity. I participated in the summit last year and found it richly supportive. I know both Keith and Jana personally and can attest to their commitment and caring as well as to the great job they do hosting this beautiful summit. — Join me! —

   

   

—> More on the Contemplative Prayer Summit here.

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OUR COMMUNITY CARE DONATIONS FOR AUGUST:

A portion of this month’s paid subscriptions will be donated to:

The Fostering Success Program at CSU is a donor-funded community of about 250 students from independent, foster homes, or unhoused backgrounds and the CSU faculty/staff volunteers that provide scholarships, fun events, academic support, additional financial aid, and many other resources.

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I hope you’ll keep in touch and share a comment below. If you are more comfortable responding privately, simply reply to this email. Either way, I’ll get back to you. Thank you for reading!

© Copyright 2023 by Mary Thoma 

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