STEP RIGHT UP, FOLKS! WELCOME TO DISORDER!
Trying Not To White Knuckle Through Change, Guidance From Anne Lamott, 3 Things Worth Sharing, and Ron's World
Hi, Friend:
I have no idea whether what I am about to write will be of service to anyone here, and yet I am at a loss to write anything else at this moment. I pray someone in a similar situation might find some comfort here in not feeling alone.
I’ve hit one of those unexpected speed bumps that shakes the whole shebang and sends the car spinning to the side of the road. As I sit here, gripping the wheel, I realize that I have no idea where all of this is going. This one beautiful life. ( As if I ever did!) I like the illusion that I am in control of this life. I do not like feeling the opposite. I’m quite sure no one does.
We like to think we have control when all we have is choice.
We have influence and design, yes. Control, no.
Here’s what I mean: ( and don’t - ha!- see what I did there?)
I don’t really recognize the road I’m on and yet it’s somehow familiar and trustworthy.
My internal landscape feels foreign and yet I simultaneously feel more at home within myself than I likely ever have been. It’s uncomfortably comfortable?
Everything I “believe” is being examined; some of it discarded, some dismantled, and yet the Ungraspable and Unstoppable Steady Truth of Love has already made a home in my heart.
What is this all about?
Welcome to Disorder! It’s right on time!
As a student of the contemplative path, it is predictable to move from order, through the pains of disorder, on the way to reorder. In fact, this is a predictable rhythm for all spiritual traditions. Order-Disorder-Reorder. Over and over again. But it’s one thing to hear about Disorder, another to experience it. This is internal rewiring. It’s uncomfortable. But I do know I am on the road that’s meant for me and that is some comfort.
One of my favorite popular authors, Anne Lamott, says that the three best prayers are can pray are these: Help, Thanks, and Wow! I’m leaning into the HELP side right now.
I’m doing what I can to ask for more support as I need it. Though the journey is mine it doesn’t mean I have to go it alone. Nor do you. So I wanted to share some of the brilliant responses I received from other students who have been through this process and are ahead of me in The Living School. I share these with the hope that they might be of comfort to you if you find yourself in a similar process of disorder.
“I can assure you that order-disorder-reorder is a recurring cycle. Just when you think you’ve reordered it all into a new order that feels right, then comes the next disorder. This is the cycle of growth when you can recognize and observe these patterns with love and curiosity. If you get attached to a state of order or are strongly resisting a state of disorder then the road will bring more suffering. It’s a journey - stay the course - record your experiences as they are likely shared experiences. You aren’t alone as this is the path of all wisdom traditions for all of time. Much love to you.”- L-A D.
“My faith has sustained me even through the Dark Nights when I asked for an immediate sign and none was given. Sometimes certain sayings help. One Day at a Time, sometimes one moment at a time. It has taken me 8 years to heal from a particular “Disorder” experience but I’m so glad I’ve come to the place I am at. One movie quote that has helped me is from Shawshank Redemption “Get busy living or get busy dying”. I guess the spiritual journey is both. The old dies and the new is birthed. Lately, I realize how short life is and I want to be fully present in all of it. Hugs and blessings on your journey.”- E.D.
“Well I just want to say how cool it is for all of us reading this to in some small way bear witness to your life, to your process… and it all resounds in my being as upsidedownly wonderful, true, authentic, and thrilling and terrifying… the whole amazing shebang.”- H.V
“Love has guided me and been with me every step of the way and it has been a gift … It takes a village to help us all heal and discover our true selves … “ - DML
“It seems that as I’ve lived into this way, I learn that deeper trust and discernment are moved into through disruption and disorder. What better way? And what happens when our identity is spun out of the things we do and the relationships we tend? We don’t necessarily stop doing and tending, but our identity is found in the ineffable, where it really was all along, where it is ultimately the most safe, and yet the body/mind experiences this revelation as a confusing, expansive, terrifying, and joyful disorientation. Paradise and paradox have more in common than I could have imagined.” - C.C.
PARADISE AND PARADOX HAVE MORE IN COMMON THAN I COULD HAVE IMAGINED.
I’ll be sitting with that one for a while.
I’ll admit that I headed into this journey looking for answers and ok, I’ll also admit, some level of certainty. Here again, dear Anne lends guidance:
“The opposite of faith is not doubt, but certainty. Certainty is missing the point entirely. Faith includes noticing the mess, the emptiness and discomfort, and letting it be there until some light returns. Faith also means reaching deeply within, for the sense one was born with, the sense, for example, to go for a walk.”
―Anne Lamott
I’d love to hear any insights or practices you might share that have supported you as you have gone through seasons of disorder. I was just thinking to myself, I chose one heck of a season to start a newsletter! Thanks for your companionship.
THANKS and WOW, too.
xo. Mary
A FEW THINGS THAT SHOWED UP FOR ME THIS WEEK:
Friends.
Surprise Gifts.
Opportunities.
Support.
A Spiritual Director.
Spirit’s Timing: My friend Diana sent me this beautiful piece of personalized art with an equally beautiful letter. It arrived EXACTLY when I needed it most.
3 THINGS WORTH SHARING:
A NEW FAVORITE PRACTICE: At least once today, place one hand on your heart, take a full breath there, and offer yourself self-compassion. Maybe it's for right now, this very moment. While you're there, remind yourself: How human of me to feel this way. How utterly human of me to feel this way.
If you aren’t already following her, I recommend Human Stuff with Lisa Olivera. Just read one of her newsletters, and you’ll see. She’s the author-therapist behind Already Enough: A Path To Self Acceptance. It’s on my list to read.
Belonging: Remembering Ourselves Home by Toko-pa Turner. I’ve had the book for over a year but am just beginning to dive into it. Already underlining, starring, and circling madly. “Drawing on myth, stories, and dreams, she takes us into the origins of our estrangement, reframing exile as a necessary initiation into authenticity. Then she shares the competencies of belonging: a set of ancestral practices to heal our wounds and restore true belonging to our lives and to the world.” - Bookshop.
RON’S WORLD overheard:
Every Sunday morning, we call my brother-in-law in Louisiana to chat and catch up on the week. At some point, Ron and his brother started discussing Monkey Pox. I sort of tuned out as I was tidying up in the kitchen nearby until I heard this…
“Forget Monkey Pox, I want Medium Rare T -Bone Steak Pox.”
See you next week, friends.
Riding along with you,
xoxo Mary