STOP BREAKING YOUR OWN HEART: PRACTICING SELF COMPASSION

AND 3 THINGS THAT MADE ME SMILE THIS WEEK

Sep 27, 2022

Hey, Y’all!

I’ve been thinking a lot about self-compassion and self-kindness lately and more recently, what it means to be self-honoring. In about 8 weeks, I’ll be leading a retreat for women that is focused on self-compassion: what it is, what it is not, how we can practice more of it, and why it matters. Since this topic is on my mind and heart, don’t be surprised if you find me sharing more about this as the days unfold.

We all understand the concept of self-compassion but it doesn't mean we are practiced at giving it ourselves. There is a substantial gap between our ability to offer compassion and kindness to others and our ability to give it to ourselves.

Having compassion for yourself isn’t that different from having compassion for your loved ones, so why does it feel so much harder? Think about what happens when you feel compassion for a friend, family member, or even a stranger who is struggling. The steps of this process unfold like something like this:

Awareness: We notice that someone is suffering.
Empathy/Compassion: We feel moved by their struggle.
Action: We help them as we are able.
Common humanity: We understand that everyone makes mistakes. Everyone suffers. It is a part of the human story.

When we notice that someone else is hurting, we provide support, empathy, a shoulder to cry on, and sometimes, if requested, potential solutions for the future. We don’t judge them, analyze their shortcomings, or criticize their choices as an offering to their pain. But when it comes to ourselves, well, it’s an entirely different story, isn’t it?

While I know that I have made much progress, I can still be harsher to myself in some situations than I would ever be toward others. I still have moments where I speak to myself cruelly or judgmentally before I catch myself in that old patterned way of treating myself. While berating ourselves for our mess-ups in order to make changes may have felt as if it worked for us in the past, it does more harm to us in the long run.

Kristen Neff, the leading voice on self-compassion, encourages us toward self-kindness and the practice of offering ourselves the kind words and responses that we would extend toward others. This does not come naturally for most of us and this is what must be practiced. We can follow the same flow for ourselves that we would offer to a hurting friend:

Awareness: I notice I am suffering. ” This is a moment of suffering.” or simply, “Ouch.”
Common humanity: Everyone suffers. I am a part of the human story. “ I am not alone in this suffering.”
Empathy/Compassion: I feel tenderness for myself as I would a dear friend or even a younger version of myself. “I will not add to my suffering at this moment with judgment or criticism, instead I will offer myself kindness and compassion.”
Action: From this compassionate standpoint,” What, if any, action needs to be taken?

Since you are a human being, you’ll likely have several opportunities every day to put self-compassion into practice. Here are the shorthand steps to begin:

Notice you are suffering and pause. Pay attention.
Connect to the common humanity that you are not alone in your suffering. It is part of the human experience. ( A few weeks back I shared this mantra, “ How utterly human of me to feel this way. “)
Decide not to add to your own suffering by heaping on additional judgment or criticism or shame. Offer yourself kindness and tenderness at this moment instead.
Any action needed can be determined after you have followed these steps.

“Self-compassion is the ability to notice our own suffering and to be moved by it, making us want to actively do something to alleviate our own suffering.” - Kristen Neff

The Main Obstacle To Self Compassion: Patterned Negative Self Talk or The Inner Critic

The major obstacle to giving ourselves the self-compassion and self-kindness we need and deserve is the voice of what many call The Inner Critic or Critical Parent. I don’t know anyone unfamiliar with that negative and demeaning voice in her head. The voice that tells you that you’re an idiot, clumsy, a terrible person, etc. (More on the Inner Critic in subsequent posts.)

For now, let me offer you an awareness tool you can begin to practice immediately.

TRACKING THE INNER CRITIC:

Have you ever tried tracking your Inner Critic? Instead of listening and accepting at face value the words of the Inner Critic, trying to ignore them, or going unconscious around the Inner Critic’s messages, what if you captured them on paper for a week? Get them out of your head and onto the page. It’s a great first step in paying attention to the messages from that inner critical voice ( or voices) to begin to examine them and their origin, then begin to change the messaging. As with most healing processes, awareness is the first step. Pay attention to the exact messages and wording. This will pay off for you later in profound ways.

These two practices will provide you with tangible ways to begin to offer yourself compassion and kindness, as well as to help you begin to pay attention to your negative internal messaging.

I hope they serve you. Let me know your thoughts in the comments and whether you are already practicing in this way.

3 THINGS THAT MADE ME SMILE THIS WEEK:

Click the skating jack-o-lantern for some fall humor.

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Wrapping up this Korean dramedy series ( thanks, Phylis!) Another Miss Oh! Y’all know I’m now obsessed with K-Drama, right? And now I can’t stop listening to the series playlist either. I’ve even started learning the words to this song.
The home of The Bard gave center stage to a woman.
The Royal Shakespeare Company appointed its first female artistic director in its 60-year history. “What is past is prologue.” - Shakespeare
Sending you loads of love,
xoxo Mary