The Heart's Content Questionnaire #4 - Rachael Barham
"Your life is already FULL of creative-spiritual energy and practices, because this is your nature!"
At the start of this year, I felt a pull to explore the creative and spiritual journeys of those who inspire me. That nudge led to The Heart’s Content Questionnaire, a space to reflect, share, and celebrate the ways creativity and spirituality weave through our lives. When we share our stories, we spark connection, inspiration, and transformation in ourselves and in one another. These are rich, soul-filled conversations. You’re warmly invited to read, reflect, and find your own story echoed in the words of these inspiring souls.
RACHAEL BARHAM
Rachael Barham lives on the banks of the beautiful Skutik / Saint Croix River in New Brunswick, Canada. Born and raised in England, she moved to Eastern Canada in 2008, with her husband Jeremy and now-adult daughter Amélie, and she loves it there! Rachael is a spiritual director trained in the Ignatian tradition and teaches Contemplative Spiritual Formation at St. Stephen's University, NB, a graduate school of theology, peace and reconciliation. She loves time in nature, writing, good food, travel, and deep conversation about the mysteries of life and God, all of which support her in continually seeking to grow into Love and Presence. Her personal spiritual journey and work in spiritual direction have drawn her to explore the transformative potential of a compassionate response to reality, interfaith/ interspiritual contemplative practices, and the role of the body in spirituality. Through her work in one-on-one spiritual companionship, contemplative retreat facilitation, and as part of the Leadership Collective of St. Croix Church, she loves to hold space for others to explore their spirituality and go deeper on their own journey into Love.
Your Creative-Spiritual Compass: The Heart’s Content Questionnaire
1. Do you feel a connection between your creativity and spirituality? If so, how does one influence or support the other in your life? For example, how might your spiritual practice nurture your creativity—or vice versa?
My creativity and spirituality are inextricably interconnected and, though they must always have been, it took me a while to be consciously aware of this, because that was not what I was taught. A key moment in my growing awareness of the intersection of spirituality and creativity happened in my early thirties when I was asking a lot of questions about faith, God and life, and many of my old, familiar ways of believing and of practicing faith just didn’t work anymore. During this time, I first went to talk to a spiritual director about my faith journey (which planted a seed about pursuing this work myself!) and it was in one such conversation that I clearly saw for the first time that writing was a lifelong, core spiritual practice for me. I realized that things I had written over the years in order to process something I was feeling, or try to express a moment of spiritual “seeing,” had become like signposts on my journey. They helped me see where I had come from or where I was, but also - mysteriously - where I was heading. They often contained an “extra” element that seemed to transcend what I consciously or intellectually knew at the time, so that I could reread a poem and somehow understand myself, my life and my path with greater clarity.
This was one of the first areas of my life in which I caught a little glimpse of the truth that God and I are inseparably intertwined. In fact it was that very same spiritual director who - when I confessed through tears that I was afraid I had lost God in all my doubt and deconstruction - responded with great compassion and conviction: “Oh, but you can never lose God! God is entwined about your soul!” That was a breathtaking idea that I have been living into over the two more decades since! Although at the time I couldn’t grasp how that was true (and my spiritual unraveling had to run its course in order to make space for such a magnificent truth!), in my writing I glimpsed it. Because sometimes, in hindsight, I could see Divine fingerprints in a piece of my writing, and yet I knew very well that it was me who had written it and that it came from the depths of ME! It had not been an act of automatic writing. I had felt things, wrestled with ideas, crafted it using the words and images that sprang from my unique life experience and personality…
…which led me to a crazy thought: If I sensed God’s Presence, Wisdom and Love in something I created when I was simply being most truly, deeply myself (not trying to perform religiously nor consciously praying for Divine Help etc.), then maybe God and I really were (are!) more intertwined than I could even imagine! This has been my ongoing journey of awed discovery.
2. What do your creative or spiritual practices look like? Are there specific routines, rituals, or habits that help you stay grounded, connected, or enter into a creative flow?
My daily rhythm of spiritual practice starts with a morning Centering Prayer sit, which is usually with an online community I’m part of through the website Meditation Chapel, and some spiritual reading/ lectio/ journaling thrown in there now and then. Then in the evening I often write in a gratitude journal once I’m in bed, and I start that practice with a really simple “examen” prayer - a practice from Ignatian spirituality (the tradition in which I eventually trained for the work of spiritual direction). I take a few moments to look back over my day and notice something that caused or causes a significant inner movement for me. Often I’ll notice something that I’m especially grateful for and that feels more deeply significant, that created a real sense of connection with others, God, my True Self. Sometimes I notice the opposite - a moment where I felt drawn away from my True Self, and that led away from a sense of connectedness with others and God. Once I have written one or two things down from my examen, I move onto writing down all the other things, little and big, that I’m grateful for in my day. I always fill one little page of a mini notebook. 🙂
The gratitude journaling is something I picked up 15 or so years ago, and was a way of pulling myself hand over hand out of a dark place mentally and emotionally. It’s so natural for me now that I don’t think I’m even aware of how paying attention to the things that bring me joy and gratitude has shifted my mindset over time. It’s kind of how I see the world and my life now, even if I miss that practice for a few days. The examen, too, is a practice that has shaped my perspective on life over the years, training me to notice my significant emotional responses to the events of my day, and also the direction in which they led me - towards more love and connection to God/ True Self/ others or away from it. This means I’m more aware of such things even when I’m not praying the examen. It has given me a rich “database” of knowledge of who God made me to be, what I love, what I struggle with, what gives me energy and what drains me; and all this helps me to notice how God and I live and move together in the world, and informs the choices I make about how I show up. All this said, I would say that my daily silent Centering Prayer sit actually feels like the backbone of my spiritual practice - the thing that feels most indispensable in keeping me grounded and centred, even though the experience of it in the moment isn’t particularly satisfying! Interestingly, I can’t clearly point to a cause and effect the way I can with the examen or gratitude journaling; the effects of Centering Prayer feel more mysterious, impossible to quantify or “prove,” but nonetheless (or therefore?!) feel very powerful and essential.
In terms of creative practices or rituals, I try to set aside at least one day a week for writing, but often have other writing practices on the go. In Lent, for example, I’ve been taking part in a daily writing challenge where you respond to a prompt taken from a lectionary scripture reading for that day. I’ve also gone through seasons of regularly writing a “prayer of the heart” or a written “examen” poem. Over the last eighteen months of writing more often and towards a book, I’ve learned a lot more about what helps me to enter a creative Flow, and I’ve learned to prioritize that state as best I can rather than rush to “produce” words on a page! Things that help me access the centred, intuitive, loving, wise place from which I long to write are: getting out in nature, personal journaling, prayer and meditation, moving my body, resting when I need to… And one surprising thing that I have no control over but which consistently supports and informs my writing is dreams. It is quite common for me to wake up on a writing day with a dream, or just an image or thought, that gives me an intuitive access point for writing. This is really an amazing grace-filled gift to me.
3. What is a meaningful creative or spiritual memory as a child? Has that evolved into a form of expression in your adult life?
I don’t remember my creativity as a child, but perhaps that’s because I’m looking for writing, and that only really started as a teenager. I know I loved to create “theatre” plays as a child - with friends, cousins or my poor, long-suffering younger brother, who was constantly forced into playing the role of prince to my princess! I haven’t done much acting in my adult life, but as I recall this, I’m struck by the spontaneity, playfulness, collaboration and confidence of these early creative expressions. I think I bossed everyone around (or is “directed them” more accurate?) quite a bit and was pretty confident of my ideas and inspirations; but as I grew that part of me picked up some shame and shrunk back - I expect she wants to be rediscovered and re-integrated now! This memory also makes me want to reclaim spontaneity and collaboration in my creativity, rather than viewing it as a solo enterprise. The part of me that was embodied through these plays was also shameless about wanting an audience and expecting them to love what was offered, and this also feels like a shadow part of me worth exploring, as I wish to be more confident in offering what I have and who I am to the world. I remember the moment when I realized the adults weren’t enjoying watching one of our looong masterpieces as much as we were performing it and were trying to finish it with premature applause! As a parent and adult, I now find this funny and totally relate to their response, but at the time it was quite crushing. Wow - this has been an interesting and impactful reflection, so thank you! 🙂
4. Who or what is inspiring you right now?
The weekly, online Wisdom Circle that I’m part of with seven other women is a constant source of inspiration for me. Together we study “the Work” - principles and practices for inner transformation and awakening based on the teachings of G.I.Gurdjieff (also called Fourth Way Spirituality) - especially through the work of Madame Jeanne de Salzmann, and share personally with each other about how the Work is showing up in our lives. Much like the examen or contemplative journaling, this involves a lot of self-observation, and it’s incredible to have a group of spiritual sisters to share such vulnerable honesty with - of both the harder things we notice about ourselves and the beautiful, grace-filled advances we make in our Becoming! We’ve been journeying together for about a year and half now, and there’s a magical and mysterious sense of us all holding space for each other’s evolution, generating more energy than any one of us would have alone through our shared love and intention. These women are brilliant, brave, intuitive, compassionate, wise, and funny. I love them, and their love for me sustains me.
5. What book, film, play, dance, poem, or other work of art has had a lasting impact on you? Can you share a bit about why it was meaningful to you?
Oh, there are so many that it’s hard to think of any in particular! But poetry is particularly impactful for me, and since the book I am currently working on is inspired by a beloved poem by Rumi, I suppose I should mention that one! ;) Many of Rumi’s poems are favourites for me, including The Guest House and its beautiful, metaphorical invitation to welcome and learn from whatever experiences and emotions “visit” us day by day. But the poem that has inspired the draft title and guiding themes of my book is this one: “The breeze at dawn has secrets to tell you/ Don’t go back to sleep/ You must ask for what you really want/ Don’t go back to sleep/ People are going back and forth across the doorsill/ where the two worlds touch/ The door is round and open/ Don’t go back to sleep.”
There’s so much there!! What can I say succinctly about why it is so meaningful to me?
There’s a feeling of magic to it, I suppose - a (re)enchanting of the world, depicting it as the kind of place where the breeze has secrets to tell you, and where there is a round and open door between the world we see and one we don’t (yet/ always). In such an enchanted and enchanting world, it is worth waking up and not going back to sleep, and it is worth discovering and asking for what you really want.
There have been seasons in my life where the world has felt distinctly UNmagical, and I am forever grateful that for many years now I have experienced it as more and more a place of beauty, wonder, connection, mystery, love, and possibility. As I’ve allowed my faith and my worldview to shatter, reform and broaden, from where I now stand it is SO worth doing the ongoing work of waking up to the Loving Reality I and we don’t always see.
Life is so exciting and you never know what discovery you are going to make next! This poem calls me to and inspires me for that ongoing process of awakening and becoming more truly and fully my beloved, delighted, connected, compassionate self.
6. Are there specific themes, symbols, or ideas that consistently appear or spiral through your work? How might they reflect your creative or spiritual journey?
I write a lot about nature and God in my poetry and prose, like my mother before me, and like another of my favourite poets, Saint Mary Oliver! :) Water features heavily and often inspires me, which makes sense since water is a great love of mine. I live on the banks of a river, I seek out water whenever I visit somewhere new in the world, I love to get IN the water whenever I can - even in the middle of a frigid Canadian winter, though only for a few minutes! - and ON it in my kayak. So water is a balm for my body and soul in very concrete ways. But it is also a powerful metaphor for me of the Divine Presence, and of life. Honestly, it’s hard for me to distinguish between water as matter and as metaphor - they can’t be separated. Water is so multi-faceted: powerful and also gentle and humble, necessary yet beautiful, present in our lives and our world in so many different forms. The fact that it moves and flows is the most wonderful, inspiring thing. I love to contemplate what that says about God, the Universe, Love; what it says about how to move in the world and respond to life’s constant unfolding (flow!).
The other symbol that consistently “spirals through my work” is… the spiral! You once told me, Mary, that you always drew spirals as a child and so did I! It really is such a ubiquitous symbol in nature and a powerful one in life, and recently it has shown up for me especially in dreams that inspire and inform what and how I write. Like water, it holds the energy of process, of unfolding, of journey, and also of deepening, seasonality, ebb and flow. One form of the spiral is a labyrinth, and I love both the spiritual practice and metaphor of the labyrinth. Since labyrinth is what has brought you (Mary) and me together to collaborate on a contemplative retreat this year, there is a new dimension to my fondness for it, and an excitement about what I will discover and experience through it and learn from you about it. The journey continues!
7. How do you navigate challenges or moments of doubt in your creative or spiritual journey? Share an example of a tool, strategy, practice, or community of support that help you stay inspired and keep going when you feel disconnected or discouraged.
When I consider all the ways I respond to challenges or doubts in my creative/ spiritual journey, I think most of them have compassion and presence in common. I’m thinking of Rumi’s poem The Guest House again: “This being human is a guest house/ Every morning a new arrival/…Welcome and entertain them all!/ …Be grateful for whoever comes,/ because each has been sent/ as a guide from beyond.” Whenever something uncomfortable or painful arises in my life, I have learned not to be as afraid and resistant, but instead to be (mostly though definitely not always!) both compassionate towards my suffering, and curious about its source and its potential.
Having, earlier in my life, inherited a form of Christian spirituality that mostly liked to distinguish and judge very clearly between good and bad, right and wrong, God and the devil, human and divine, physical and spiritual, the church and the world, and so on, the dissolving of all these dividing lines and dualities has been one of the biggest surprises and gifts of my life! That dissolution has not only brought me deeper connection with God, others and myself, but also paved the way for the ongoing process of learning that no challenge is the final word. What may appear to be a dead end can turn into the most incredibly beautiful doorway to more Life and Love!
To get a bit more specific, a few practices that help me lean into curiosity and compassion in response to whatever challenges arise are: the Welcoming Prayer (which helps me welcome my emotions and the presence of the Divine within them, and also let go of whatever unhelpful attachments might be causing an intense emotion), Biospiritual Focusing (a way of noticing, listening to and caring for what my body knows), contemplative journaling, and honest processing with a trusted friend or mentor.
8. Can you describe a moment when your creativity felt like a direct expression of the sacred or something greater than yourself?
Sometimes writing a poem feels like this for me. It’s not that I experience myself exactly as “written through” because I can feel how my own mind, heart and life experience are informing what and how I write; but I can at times get into a kind of Flow where it does feel as if I am writing beyond what I know (at least intellectually). Now and then I am even surprised by, or unsure of, a particular phrase, even though I can’t escape it because it feels true, even exciting. These have often been the parts of poems that I end up being most inspired and instructed by long-term, as I live into the truth I wrote before I really knew it. What a beautiful mystery!
Just last week I had a special experience of writing a poem that felt like a co-creation with God. A few nights beforehand, a phrase had appeared strongly in my half-asleep (half-awake!) state, along with an image. I didn’t have the time or inclination to write about it straight away, or even reflect much on it, but it did play in the back of my mind now and then over the coming days, until one morning the words and image came together into an idea for a poem. It felt as if the poem was expressing what I had been experiencing and wrestling with, and answering my recent questions about the nature of faith. Writing the poem felt like holy ground, holy work, with tingly energy coursing through my body. The time came for me to join friends to swim laps in the local pool, and I felt some pressure to stick to my planned timeline and agenda, but I managed to let that go and honour the moment that was unfolding. It didn’t take me too much longer to finish a first draft and then I headed off to the pool, arriving late but satisfied. As I swam with gorgeous spring morning sun streaming in through the massive windows, I could still feel the sacred energy enlivening my body and deep gratitude in my heart.
9. How does your creative or spiritual life inspire or guide the actions you take in the world? Can you share an example of how these aspects of your life have shaped your work for peace, love, justice, or unity?
The various expressions of my work in the world - through spiritual accompaniment, retreat facilitation, contemplative teaching, and writing - are all woven through with the threads of creativity and spirituality, and are all offered with the hope of bringing more Love into the world. In all of these expressions, I love to listen and create space for others to listen deeply to themselves, others and the Divine. Deep listening is transformative.
Over the years, I have also grown to see the transformative power of curiosity and compassion - how these lenses on the world, others and ourselves help us to see new things and see freshly, and how they expand us and bring us wholeness, joy and peace. I hope that everything I do in the world cultivates greater curiosity and compassion in me and others, for the good of us all and of our world.
10. What are some seemingly contradictory interests you hold? How do these different aspects of your personality show up in your life or work?
One seeming contradiction that shows up in my life is that I see treasures in religion and also honour the riches found in spirituality that goes beyond those traditional bounds. I am drawn to follow the Jesus Way and love the ancient wisdom found in Christianity, but I am also drawn to a natural mysticism that is accessible to everyone regardless of culture or spiritual tradition. At times, this has felt like a painful tension to hold, but I am grateful for some wise communities and mentors in my life who hold this tension well and have helped me walk an ongoing path of acceptance of our beautiful human diversity, and integration of diversity and paradox within myself. There’s a deeper acceptance in me now that I simply love a lot of different spiritual expressions, that they can coexist (and so can WE!), and that I can walk and forge my own path among them and with others.
11. What are you working on now? Are there any projects, practices, or ideas you’re excited or curious to explore next?
Right now I’m working on the second section of the book I mentioned, which is a collection of poems and essays/ stories about thresholds to Divine Love. More immediately, I’m working on OUR RETREAT in Maine - which is very exciting! 😀 - and also preparing for a Theology and Culture residency at St. Stephen’s University, where I teach Contemplative Spiritual Formation, partly online. As part of the in-person residencies, I get the privilege of inviting the graduate students out to my house on the river for a contemplative day retreat, to help them process their experience of an intensive week of classes. They are amazing people and it’s a beautiful thing!
12. What is one piece of advice or encouragement you would share with someone seeking to lean into a more creative-spiritual life?
Your life is already FULL of creative-spiritual energy and practices, because this is your nature! Instead of being down on yourself or worrying or feeling pressured to “do more,” why not try looking back on your amazing, beautiful, challenging life and noticing what you have already naturally done (or been drawn to but sometimes struggled to get to)?! What has brought you life and joy and peace? What have you loved to create over the course of your life - meals, D&D stories, crafts, plays, deep conversations…? When have you felt most connected to yourself, others, the Divine, nature, the world…? If you find this hard to do on your own, talk it over with a friend who is good at asking questions and noticing things. Before you “add” anything new to your creative-spiritual life (and of course there is so much fun stuff out there to add and experiment with!), it is such an encouraging and powerful practice to notice and honour the gift of who you already are. Lean into those things first, and let yourself become more fully and joyfully yourself!
13. Baker’s Dozen Question. Just for fun: If your creative or spiritual practice were a living being, what kind of personality would it have? Would it be a wise old sage, a curious child, a playful trickster, or something else entirely? Why?
I wrote a little story some years ago about a wise, old midwife who lives on the edge of town, in the woods beside a running stream, and who leaves her home whenever she is needed to attend a birth. It became an archetype that helps me understand my work and the kind of contemplative life that helps support my work (and IS part of my work!) as well as the kind of presence and accompaniment I want to offer to others in their Becoming. Nature, silence and solitude, prayer and meditation, rest and responsiveness to request/ need… all of these nourish me in being/ becoming my True Self in God, and being available to help others birth their True Selves, which is essential for in turn birthing the world we all long for.
What a beautiful conversation with this thoughtful woman. I love the response of God being intertwined with our soul. Very uplifting words.