THE WORST BUTT-KICKING DOESN'T WIN
The Power Of Your Personal Narrative. Plus 4 Things Worth Sharing: A Book, A Recipe, A TV Series, And Several Storytelling Podcasts I Recommend.
"There is no normal life that is free of pain. It's the very wrestling with our problems that can be the impetus for our growth." - Fred Rogers
During a conversation with a friend this week, we stumbled onto the topic of how common it is to downplay the impact of our own stories; and the universal tendency to compare our stories to others and minimize the significance of our own.
“My life wasn’t as difficult as hers. She had it much worse.”
The opposite of the not “good enough” mantra is deciding that it wasn’t “bad enough.” To paraphrase memoirist Mary Karr, it’s as if the one who had the worst butt-kicking somehow wins.
My friend and I shared that even after years of recovery and commitment to our healing, we can still sometimes fall into this same tendency to minimize our own experience. I have heard others say, “No one wants to hear my sad story.” This says to me that we don’t yet understand the value and gifts of our story.
Maybe we’ve seen too many television series like Ginny and Georgia, where the fictional characters are clearly an amalgamation of many trauma stories in one, in order to elevate the dramatic stakes for television. Unconsciously we begin the comparison and determine that at least my story wasn’t that bad, so who am I to complain?
The danger here is the tendency to diminish or minimize our own suffering which then keeps us from doing the work of healing those stories and potentially unearthing the gifts we might discover hidden within them.
Writing our personal narratives can be a powerful tool for healing. When we write about our experiences, we are able to process our emotions and gain a deeper understanding of ourselves. This can help us to move through difficult experiences in a healthy way and find meaning in our struggles.
“None of us can ever know the value of our lives, or how our separate and silent scribbling may add to the amenity of the world, if only by how radically it changes us, one by one.”― Mary Karr, The Art of Memoir
When we then bravely share our stories with trusted others, we create a sense of community and support. We feel less alone. We are empowered and emboldened to continue our own healing and we give permission for others to heal as well. How many times have you told a part of your story, only to have someone tell you later how much they needed to hear it? Or, how many times have you listened to another person's story and suddenly felt less alone in yours? What if you or they hadn't shared?
Personal narratives possess significant storytelling power by enabling us to express our individual experiences and perspectives both to better understand ourselves and to benefit others. When someone shares their story, they are not just conveying information - they are sharing a personal experience that has shaped them in a meaningful way. Fortunately for us, there are many healing places and spaces to work through the toughest parts of our story -recovery groups, therapy, other support groups, or a close circle of friends, to name a few. When we share our stories of trauma, we break down the stigma surrounding mental health and create a safe space for others to share their own struggles.
Personal narratives help break down the walls that separate us. In a world that often feels divided along lines of race, gender, sexuality, religion, and politics, sharing our personal narratives can help to bridge those divides. When we hear stories from people who are different from us, we begin to see them as individuals with unique experiences, rather than as stereotypes or caricatures. By sharing our experiences with others - whatever they were - we create a space for empathy and understanding. We can break down the barriers that keep us apart and create a more connected, empathetic world.
Fred Rogers carried a note in his pocket given to him by a social worker. The note said, "Frankly, there isn't anyone you couldn't learn to love once you've heard their story." I have found this to be true in my own experience, over and over again. Long before I read this quote, I’ve often said that once you hear someone’s story, you can’t help but fall in love with them.
Personal narratives can be a powerful force for social change, too. When we share our stories of injustice, we can create awareness and inspire action. Personal narratives have played a crucial role in many social movements, from the civil rights movement to the #MeToo movement. When we share our stories, we give voice to those who have been silenced and marginalized and create a platform for change.
Sharing our personal narratives allow us to connect with others, bridge divides, and create a sense of community and support. It can help us to process difficult experiences and inspire social change. As we continue to navigate a world that often feels divided and disconnected, personal narratives can be a powerful force for healing and connection. The act of sharing our story is a critical tool for our own healing and can ripple outward to affect our culture and the world at large.
4 THINGS WORTH SHARING
THIS SERIES: 1923. Starring Helen Mirren and Harrison Ford. This is the origin story for the Yellowstone series. Side note: The chemistry between Brandon Sklenar and Julia Schlaepfer is off the charts.
THIS BOOK: Let Your Life Speak by Parker Palmer. I’m revisiting this old friend of a book. “With wisdom, compassion, and gentle humor, Parker J. Palmer invites us to listen to the inner teacher and follow its leadings toward a sense of meaning and purpose. Telling stories from his own life and the lives of others who have made a difference, he shares insights gained from darkness and depression as well as fulfillment and joy, illuminating a pathway toward vocation for all who seek the true calling of their lives.”
THESE PODCASTS: Storytelling Podcasts I recommend: All Y’all, The Moth, and Family Secrets with Dani Shapiro.
THIS RECIPE: Baked Banana-Nut Oatmeal Cups make me happy. I make a batch then wrap them individually and pop them in the freezer. Warms up in 1 minute. Healthy and delicious - I like mine alongside a serving of yogurt. Easy and satisfying when you’re in a hurry to get out the door (or not.)
Happy Fat Tuesday, y’all! Let the good times roll! 💜💚💛
Until next week, loves.
xo Mary
In February, I will be donating a portion of my paid subscriptions to:
Abara House Donations: “Friends of Abara recently helped secure historic properties with a dream for "Abara House” located at the historic La Hacienda restaurant. Abara will enter a capital campaign in 2023 to raise funds to purchase and restore the properties. This property sits directly on one of the oldest known crossings of the Rio Grande River, an ancient indigenous pathway predating Spanish colonization in 1598, later becoming the famed "Camino Real de Tierra Adentro." We hope to honor the stories of this land by exploring our histories, the beauty, and the tragedy, and the stories that are yet to be written.” - from the website
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