IT HAS TO BE SAID BY ME
Self-Doubt, Keeping Promises To Ourselves, and 3 Things Worth Sharing...
Although I am a passionate believer in the power of our shared stories and writing for self-discovery and healing, I still have moments ( or giant waves) of self-doubt when it comes to my own writing.
I’ve had a super busy week entertaining friends visiting from Louisiana for the past five days which left me no time to write this week’s newsletter. Truth be told, no time to even do my morning pages or much thinking about writing at all. Each day, after trekking mountain trails or touring our friends around Northern Colorado towns, I would sink into bed and wake up the next day to do it again. While it was a lovely, fun, and sweet time with them, I woke up this morning worried and anxious that I didn’t have anything to send to you today.
So here it is, Tuesday mid-morning, and there was no newsletter to send out.
I began to think, well, really, who cares. right? Is it so important? Would anyone notice? Why did I even start this weekly newsletter, to begin with? Is it serving anyone? There’s more than enough to read out there and written by people who have. been writing their whole lives! And now that many great writers are discovering the Substack platform, well, one can begin to feel like an imposter.
Does what I have to say matter? And to whom?
So today, I took these questions to my morning pages.
As I followed the flow of my thoughts onto the page, a few key points came forward.
What I have to say has to be said by me and can only be said by me. It matters for me to say it, whether anyone reads it or not.
Writing weekly for this newsletter was a promise I made to myself ( and to you) and I intend to keep it. Keeping our promises to ourselves is crucial, especially when we have had patterns of self-abandonment in the past.
By committing to write and share my writing weekly, I never fail to receive gifts from the process. Hand on heart right now, you need to know that it means so much to me that so many of you take the time to read it and bear witness to my words. To my amazement, not only my free subscribers but also my paid subscribers list continues to grow, which for someone like me, who hasn’t been writing her entire life or as a career, is incredibly humbling and encouraging. I hope that knowing that might also encourage more of you to begin to write and heal and share your stories as well.
So I want to say THANK YOU. Thank you for bearing witness to my words and my life and thoughts as they spill out onto this page. Thank you for helping me to continue to write. Thank you for the solid support of old friends and the new friendships emerging here. Thank you for the gift of your TIME - which is so precious - that you spend some of it here with me.
A favorite quote from Madeline L’Engle continues to encourage me and I hope it does you. The story goes that she often shared her writing drafts with her husband for feedback. He famously once replied, “ Well, it’s been said better before…” To which Madeline replied:
“It’s all been said better before. If I thought I had to say it better than anybody else, I’d never start. Better or worse is immaterial. The thing is that it has to be said; by me… We each have to say it, to say it our own way. Not of our own will, but as it comes out through us. Good or bad, great or little: that isn’t what human creation is about. It is that we have to try; to put it down in pigment, or words, or musical notations, or we die.”
-Madeline L’Engle
Good or bad, great or little, may we each find the courage to continue to speak our experiences and share our stories, even when “it’s all been said before.” Because no matter what, friend, YOUR STORY MATTERS, and it must be said by you. Only you can tell it. “We each have to say it, to say it our own way.” Be brave, friend. I’m listening.
3 THINGS WORTH SHARING:
A series, and interview, and a practice:
Wooed by Woo. The Netflix series Extraordinary Attorney Woo. Set in Seoul, it tells the story of Woo Young-woo (Park Eun-bin), an autistic lawyer with an eidetic memory. I was enthralled with this charming series and am now a budding K-drama fan. Following the final episode and in support of the 30x 30 campaign, the city of Seoul provided a ten-minute drone show of a whale swimming in the sky. Watch the series ( or even the first episode) and you’ll understand why it was so special.
Compassion Practice: When we are feeling like a great imposter and filled with self doubt, when we feel bad about something left undone or unsaid, or wish we could take back what we did say, when we are feeling less than proud of an action, what we don’t need is more shame. We need a big dose of self compassion before we lean into any loving self correction. Consider this 20-minute version of Affectionate Breathing, a practice I first learned from Kristin Neff. Quick version: Hands on heart, breathing in and out with a deep affection for yourself, the way a loving mother might watch her sleeping child, with great tenderness and love.
May blessings abound for you and through you this week. Sending along my gratitude wrapped in warm hugs. Be on the lookout for who might deliver them to you. :)
xoxo Mary
It is interesting that I go the full spectrum when self-evaluating the articles I write. I have a full panel of internal critics that are constantly arguing with each other about minute details that should be changed or eliminated. Then again, someone once suggested the whole fun in writing is not the first draft - it is the editing! Ha!
You know I care and can't wait to read what you write every week :) I will check out your recommendation--and make sure you watch 13 Lives if you haven't already. xo