THE INNER CRITIC : YOU CAN'T HATE YOURSELF INTO SELF LOVE
The Inner Critic Conversation + A New Way To Respond, 3 Things Worth Sharing, and Ron's World...
THE INNER CRITIC
I started teaching workshops on self-compassion practices a few years ago. Teaching about self-compassion is not my primary work in the world, but it weaves through all that I do. It’s an area in which I still have much room to grow, and well, you know the old saying, “We teach what we most need to learn.” So here I am. Showing up to share with you an area I still struggle with as I try to put it into practice for myself.
I can say that I am learning, and the more I practice, the better I feel. Truly. I feel certain that those around me benefit as well. As I learn to be more compassionate with myself it translates into more compassion for others. And visa versa.
Last week, I shared some thoughts on practicing more self-compassion and why it matters. In perfect timing, I stumbled across this FB post from my friend, Katie. Here’s what she said:
“To be happy in this life, you have to train your inner voice to be kind to you. For most of my life, my inner voice has been a real bitch. I disguised it as diets or professional ambition, but what it really was at its heart was me punishing myself because that inner voice was always in there at full volume calling me lazy or fat or unsuccessful and I was desperately trying to prove it wrong. A wise woman once told me, “You can’t hate yourself into a version of something you can love.” People who have found lasting happiness will tell you - they didn’t bully themselves into it. They exercise not to shrink but to strengthen. They work because they feel good about what they’re making, not because their productivity is their only value. When they rest, they’ll tell you not that they were lazy but that they were caring for themselves.
I don’t know if I’m one of them yet. My inner voice was trained early on by a sexist religious society to punish me as much as it could. But today as I was getting ready to go pick up my son from school, I passed the mirror, and that voice that I’ve worked hard to train with love said, ‘You look happy and strong.’” - Katie B.
Katie does a beautiful job of sharing her experience of this universal condition and how things can shift. From “ You are lazy and fat.” to “You look happy and strong.”
The words of the Inner Critic can be brutal. The tone of voice, vicious. In workshops, I ask attendees if they would ever speak to a young child or a friend in that manner, and they respond immediately in shock,“ Of course not!” And yet, somehow, somewhere, we were taught that it was OK to speak to ourselves that way. Whether delivered through the educational system, shame-based religion, culture, parenting, or more likely the intersectionality of all these, we have absorbed the message that we do not deserve our own kindness. Often people will tell me that these mean messages are the only way they can motivate themselves to do certain things. As if we can hate ourselves into the changes we desire. It’s a faulty premise, but oh how we seem to cling to it!
Last week, I encouraged you to begin to track your Inner Critic and write down exactly what it says to you. Why? Because it’s a step toward awakening and becoming more conscious of the ways you speak to yourself. Once you see those words written on paper, it can be a powerful wake-up call to begin to shift those internal conversations. By rewriting those negatives into positives, you can begin to speak to yourself differently.
But let’s step back a moment.
We have to believe we deserve kindness to be able to give it to ourselves. If there are areas in your life where you haven’t practiced self-forgiveness, you may think you deserve the voice of the inner critic. No wonder so many us of struggle with self-compassion!
At one point in my life, I decided to give my Inner Critic a name and a personality, a process I learned from Julia Cameron in THE ARTISTS WAY. Julia names her inner critic, Nigel. That always made me laugh, “Just shut up, Niiiiigel,” I could hear her say. This approach helped me identify and personalize the Inner Critic while bringing some levity and humor.
Back then, I named my Inner Critic “Negative Nelly” because she reminded me of that mean little girl in “Little House on the Prairie” who terrorized sweet Laura Ingalls Wilder.
When she started being cruel, I would send her to a corner in my imagination in an effort to get her to leave me alone. This was the next step for me in my approach. I wasn’t sending her to a corner to punish her, I simply wanted her to be occupied doing something else and to leave me alone. I wanted her to go play. I had compassion for her and I even wanted her to be happy. But mostly, I wanted her away from me.
As my understanding of the idea of the Inner Critic continues to evolve, I’ve realized that I was still pushing her away due to her terrible way of communicating. Maybe I had stopped hating her and punishing her — and I was protecting myself after all, but what if the Inner Critic was trying to protect me or communicate a deeper message even if her strategies were rigid and hurtful?
As I learn more about Internal Family Systems, I am beginning to ponder how I might stay curious about her and what I might learn.
In this short article by Sean Cuthbert, he explains that if we can get some of our protective “parts” to step back and allow us to address the Inner Critic, we might discover some useful information. What if we could ask our Inner Critic these questions? ( from the article)
“What is it you’d like me to know?”
“What are you afraid might happen if you stop being hard on me?”
“When you say critical things to me, how are you trying to help?”
It doesn’t mean we have to keep listening to hurtful words or accept what it says about us as truth, but if we could imagine a conversation, stay curious and ask it these questions, I wonder what we might learn?
“As you become more familiar with when and how your critical parts show up, you can start responding differently. You can say something like, “I hear you. I know you’re worried I’ll make a mistake or get hurt by others, Thank you for your concern about me. Right now I’m going to ask you to step aside while I decide what I’m going to do.” You’re telling that part that you hear it. You are compassionately asking your critical part to let you - not it - decide what’s next.” - Sean Cuthbert
No part of me is undeserving of my love and compassion. Can I hold even the mean-spirited parts of me inside a larger Love that is my True Self?” Doesn’t every part of me deserve to be brought into the safety of love?
3 THINGS WORTH SHARING:
Want a great start to learning more about Internal Family Systems? Highly recommend NO BAD PARTS: Healing Trauma and Restoring Wholeness With The Internal Family Systems Model by Richard Swartz. If you’re new to IFS, prepare to nod your head a lot while reading this book! If you’ve ever said something like, “ Well…part of me wants to do this…. but another part of me doesn’t.” This book is for you.
JOY POPS! I’ve decided to be on the lookout in my life for pops of joy! Colors, shapes, and textures that make me smile! Here are a few from my walk in my neighborhood a few days ago.
RON’S WORLD:
Cheesy comment of the week. :)
Every morning I make my breakfast and the dogs line up next to the table to await the bites of toast I give them. ( I know, I know. ) Yesterday morning, as I made my way to the kitchen, the dogs followed me in excited anticipation. Ron perked up and announced, “ Time for breakfast! She’s the Host-est With The Toast-est.” Eye rolls abound.
Speak kindly and listen closely, loves. I hope you have a gentle week.
xo Mary
Timely and thought-provoking, as always, Mary!
Reading this was a great way to start the day!