WHEN THE BODY IS SICK: TENDER REMINDERS

Being sick is not unlike a spiritual practice. It has a way of stripping away the nonessentials to reveal our most unadorned selves and what matters most.

Danny G/ Unsplash

Hi, Friend:

I’m sure you’re sick of hearing about Covid.

I am sick of thinking about it, talking about it, and trying to crawl through it. I’ve had to remind myself, for the hundredth time, that it has to run its course and in its own time. Patience, grasshopper.

Fortunately, I am on the mend, and while it’s been a long slog it has also brought new insight into body-mind-soul connections and increased compassion for those among us who are walking through illnesses - whether 10 days of discomfort like me or a lengthy chronic illness that lasts far longer.

BODY AND EMOTIONS

Enduring an extended illness can make you feel tender and weepy. I noticed that my emotions seemed to hover close to the surface especially when I received any kind of loving care; like when Meg and Ron would make me eggs in the morning, or offer to run out for food I might want, or bring me bowls of fruit.

I realized how fortunate I was to have caregivers who loved me and could check on me. I got weepy with self-pity at times. I even got weepy watching a tv series that I kind of mocked last week. ( That’ll teach me.) I seem especially vulnerable to storylines centered around relationships and community and people showing up for each other. (Hint, hint- these things matter to me.)

When our defenses and distractions are reduced by illness, our bodies are more easily able to access our stored emotions. For me, it was stored grief and fearful projections of the future, like the anticipated grief and loneliness of losing loved ones or living alone without my spouse one day. Fear of loss is at the bottom of it all. Anticipating losing those I love most feels as unbearable as it does inevitable. It’s not that I ignore these feelings when I’m well, but with all my defenses and coping tools gone, they rise to the surface powerfully. When I’m well, I use all the tools at my disposal to work with these feelings. When I’m sick, I feel… unprotected… and awash in them.

BODY AND MIND

When you are sick, all your body’s energy is directed toward healing the illness. If you’re like me, I felt like my mental focus was severely limited. I couldn’t read, watch, or listen to anything of depth that required my full concentration. I felt disconnected from my own agency and definitely from my productivity. I even felt disconnected from my own mind because it was too difficult to think clearly.

My body and the illness were having a conversation that took all of my energy and most of my ability to focus.

All my energy was being utilized by my body for her healing and for fighting the virus.

As someone who is a recovering “lover of control,” I had none. I couldn’t control the speed at which I healed, I couldn’t control the symptoms, and I couldn’t will it away. All I could do was be with it. Sit with it. Sleep with it. Eat with it. Allow it to run its course. It had all the control and I had little to none. This did not please me.

I remember foolishly “thinking” that I could do some study for The Living School or listen to some of the teaching videos. Um, no. I was clearly not in charge of how I would use my time and resources.

BODY AND SOUL

Likewise, I couldn’t participate in the daily rhythms and practices that sustain my spirit like meditation, journaling, writing, and more; which help keep me steady and connected to myself, my spirit, those I love, and my creative work. I knew I benefited greatly from my practices, but their inaccessibility coupled with the illness made me realize how much I depend on them to replenish my spirit.

The Serenity Prayer is a helpful reminder here, “ God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” Sometimes that was all I could muster.

I had to keep surrendering to my healing, moment by moment.

Being sick is not unlike a spiritual practice. It has a way of stripping away the nonessentials to reveal our most unadorned selves and what matters most.

TENDER REMINDERS:

• A clarity arises about your life priorities and what is truly important. This may seem obvious but knowing it and experiencing it are two different things. I have a renewed desire to prioritize my relationships even more.

• An understanding and empathy for those who are suffering any kind of prolonged illness. And a desire to be more aware when others are suffering, and to take more initiative to reach out to them in a meaningful way beyond a social media message.

• The being state versus the doing state. When you’re sick you are thrust into a being state and you don’t have the capacity for much doing. If you are someone who is still working to disentangle yourself from the “my work equals my worth” mindset, there are many supportive lessons that arise from being unable to be productive.

• Paying attention to what is, and not being able to control it, brings humility and the lived practice of patience (whether you want it or not.) While paying attention to what is and not arguing with reality are practices that benefit us whether sick or vibrantly healthy, being sick brings this knowledge to a finer point.

• A fuller connection to and cherishing of my body and appreciation for how hard she was working to heal. We tend to forget we are living in bodies until they hurt or get sick (or experience physical pleasure.)

You know. when I was sick, I didn’t judge myself. I didn’t fret about what I needed to be doing or where I was going with things. I simply took each moment as it came and did the best I could in that moment. I allowed each moment to be what it was ( I had no choice) and I surrendered to the situation moment by moment by moment. It became clear that my body was working hard to heal and I became intensely aware and appreciative of her and all she does for me. I did the best I could to listen to her and tend to her requests. This is embodiment. This is paying attention to the present moment. Illness thrust me into this way of being. How do we more fully live like this without being sick? Practicing contemplation, meditation, and creativity are a few of the ways we can begin.

As I began to improve, I told my friend Jane that I felt as if I could finally think again after Covid… and that it wasn’t actually all it was cracked up to be! It’s a both/and situation surely, and grateful as I am for the ability to think, practice, create and work again, the lessons of the 10 days when I was “down for the count” are not lost on me. May I continue to integrate them.

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THINGS IN MY ORBIT THIS WEEK:

1. The Rest Room: An in-depth look at what it means to live (and live well) with chronic illness. Essays and resources for people living with chronic illness, the people who work with them, and the people who love them. By Natasha Lipman

2. GREEN APPLES, a poem by Ruth Stone

In August we carried the old horsehair mattress
to the back porch
and slept with our children in a row.
The wind came up the mountain into the orchard
telling me something:
saying something urgent.
I was happy.
The green apples fell on the sloping roof
and rattled down.
The wind was shaking me all night long,
shaking me in my sleep
like a definition of love,
saying, this is the moment,
here, now.

3. These gorgeously delicious apples from Ela Family Farm that I picked up from the Farmer’s Market in Fort Collins.

This is what apples are supposed to taste like (!) and I love supporting local organic family farms. Having established their first orchards in 1907, their family has grown fruit in western Colorado since it was first cultivated in the region. So cool!

Even if I knew that tomorrow the world would go to pieces, I would still plant my apple tree.”~ Martin Luther

4. Check out this beautifully produced creative type test. I’m The Visionary. How about you?

5. 13 LIVES directed by Ron Howard - We need more stories like this. Stories that amplify what can happen when we all come together. I was reminded yet again that shared joy is so much more powerful than individual joy. “Thirteen Lives is based on a remarkable true story that chronicles the events of the 2018 Tham Luang cave rescue in the Tham Luang Nang Noncave, Mae Sai, Chiang Rai Province, Thailand.

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Stay well as you are able, bless that beautiful body of yours, eat your fruit, and I’ll see you next week!

xoxo Mary

Let me know one thing you have learned from an illness in the comments.